Your 2014 NHL Playoff Bandwagon Guide

Beautiful Day at @NationwideArena! #CBJ pic.twitter.com/DDCkrxYMEG

— Nationwide Arena (@NationwideArena) April 13, 2014

 Hey, this blog still exists! Here is your annual playoff bandwagon guide, for people whose teams did not make the playoffs or for people whose teams will be ousted in the first round (me). This year, it was super weird not to have to pretend to be nice about the Canucks. Also, once again, I didn’t pay attention to the New York Rangers at all this season, so they’ll probably end up winning the cup.

1.  Boston Bruins: Are you Joffrey Baratheon? If you can read this, then you are not Joffrey Baratheon, so keep going and pick another team.
2. Anaheim Ducks: For Teemu, for Saku, for PDOu.
3. Colorado Avalanche: Nathan MacKinnon, Matt Duchene, Gabriel Landeskog, Ryan O’Reilly. Do these guys have any defensemen? Also, Patrick Roy playoff tantrums could be a thing.
4. St. Louis Blues: I know I use the ‘David Backes rescues puppies’ thing every year, but it’s kind of all I got. They have Maxim Lapierre, Steve Ott, and Barrett Jackman, so, um… David Backes rescues puppies, Go Blues!
5. San Jose Sharks: Their fans are super smart, really funny, and really friendly. They’re a really, really good team. Joe Thornton beating the Bruins for a cup would be a really dumb narrative some of the media won’t stop talking about, but Jumbo Joe with a cup at all is a story you can get behind. If Patrick Marleau wins the cup, Jeremy Roenick will probably turn purple on live television. Most importantly, fun must be always :-))
6. Pittsburgh Penguins: I… just can’t get excited about this team. I try, and I try, and I try, and… meh. But you know, objectively speaking, Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin play pretty hockey and Olli Maatta is kind of the best, so, you know, go Pens. Or something. Meh.
7. Chicago Blackhawks: They beat the Boston Bruins for the Stanley Cup last year, and the good will from that carries over for at least a year, maybe even two. Let’s talk about our Jonathan Toews feelings.
8. Tampa Bay Lightning: Stamkos. Stamkos Stamkos Stamkos Stamos. Stamkos. You can cheer for them if you hate Montreal, and then after that you can cheer for them if you hate Detroit or Boston, so if you are a Leafs fan, this is the team for you. Jon Cooper is a great coach, and this team is better than we gave them credit for at the beginning of the year. Also Stamkos.
9. Montreal Canadiens: Here are three seasons to cheer for Montreal. A) you hate the Habs, and you want to see them win at least a series so they will extend their terrible coach and re-sign their roster holes. B) You hate stats, and you want Montreal to win so you can tell us all we were wrong. Dick move, bro. C) You hate the Habs, but you love a Canadiens fan and want to see them watch their team hoist the cup.
10. Los Angeles Kings: Because they are going to win the Stanley Cup.
11. Minnesota Wild: look I can’t advocate this, but go ahead if you’re so inclined, I won’t judge.
12. New York Rangers: Dominic Moore.
13. Philadelphia Flyers: You can’t cheer for the Flyers because you hate them and everything about them and you hate their stupid history of being bullies and you hate the cheap dirty teams circa 2007 and you still hate them now and you hate their fans and man you really hate Philadelphia but wait you’re kind of really into that go Flyers.
14. Columbus Blue Jackets: If you don’t love everything about the World Famous Columbus Blue Jackets Hockey Club, then you are a bad person and you should feel bad. I get the feels thinking about these guys getting their first ever playoff win in franchise history. If they actually win a series (won’t happen), I will ugly cry. Ugly cry with me.
15. Detroit Red Wings:  It would be really great to watch them emerge from the nuclear wasteland of broken groins and beat Boston. Also, Tomas Tatar, Gustav Nyquist, and Mike Babcock.
16. Dallas Stars: Because they are a genuinely decent team that’s fast and fun and also they have giant ad blimps in the arena that suddenly casually float by behind TV people’s heads during the intermission broadcast, which is never not funny.