Your guide to dating a hockey fan

So, you’ve met and begun crushing on a hockey fan. You’re in for an exciting world of nonstop hockey talk, broken TV remotes, and a new Twitter meme for every day. Congratulations!

So, how do you go about dating your new crush? First, you find out what team they cheer for. Then you use this handy guide I’ve put together for dating fans of certain teams (not to be confused with this sorta-guide to dating the teams themselves), and then you invite me to your wedding.

Easy.

Interested in a Montreal Canadiens fan?

• I hope you like: Certifiable insanity.
• How to attract one: Shower them with flattery.
• The scoop: For some reason, I have that Katy Perry Hot N’ Cold song stuck in my head all of a sudden.
• Will it last? It depends on your ability to handle multiple personalities.
• How to keep one happy: Don’t be intimidated by initially lofty expectations. Your Habs fan will be happy to make excuses for each one of your shortcomings.

Interested in a Boston Bruins fan?

• I hope you like: Don’t.
• How to attract one: Don’t.
• The scoop: Don’t.
• Will it last? Don’t.
• How to keep one happy: Damn it, what did I just say?

Interested in a Toronto Maple Leafs fan?

• I hope you like: Rescuing pets.
• How to attract one: Be good at math.
• The scoop: Leafs fans are keepers. Nobody else will continue to love you and stick by you if you let yourself go and treat them like crap. They’re like the holy grail of dating hockey fans, but if you have a conscience, steer clear.
• Will it last? They’ll put up with anything.
• How to keep one happy: Allow them to spend obscene amounts of money on you.

Interested in a Detroit Red Wings fan?

• I hope you like: High standards.
• How to attract one: You need to be self-assured and confident.
• The scoop: Dating a Red Wings fan is overall a satisfying experience. However, be prepared for your Wings fan to be highly suspiscious of everything and occasionally make three mountains out of half a molehill.
• Will it last: Yes.
• How to keep one happy: No slacking.

Interested in a Vancouver Canucks fan?

• I hope you like: Inferiority complexes.
• How to attract one: [insert cheap shots here] [no really, they like it]
• The scoop: Once they fall in love with you, they will manage to convince themselves nobody is better than you despite mountains of evidence to the contrary. Lucky you.
• Will it last? Even if you disappoint them. Again, lucky you.
• How to keep one happy: Nod and change the subject. Trust me, it’s not worth attempting a debate.

Interested in a Washington Capitals fan?

• I hope you like: Mike Green.
• How to attract one: Be interesting and fun.
• The scoop: Dating a Capitals fan promises to be a lot of fun, although it might require a lot of patience as you wait for them to grow up.
• Will it last? You might experience some problems when it comes down to major relationship decisions.
• How to keep one happy: At some point, deliver on your promises, like, any day now, maybe, could you?