Why these Canadiens should/shouldn’t captain the team

We’re getting close to training camp (only about 15-20 hangovers away for you Montrealers, 3-4 for everyone else), which means our Canadiens will soon have a new team captain. Since Gainey let Saku walk away for nothing shut up Ryan broke our hearts into a million pieces left the team without a captain, there’s been a considerable amount of debate about who should wear the C for the Habs, and why. I didn’t give it a moment’s thought after I saw Gionta play one game as a Canadien, but apparently there are other options. Since I’m pretending to be a diligent hockey analyst now, I’ve decided to take a look at some players and the reasons they should (and shouldn’t) be named Captain of the Montreal Canadiens:

Andrei Markov:
Why he should: Easily the Canadiens’ best player, quietly leads by example on the ice, can stare a bitch down with his steely look.
Why he shouldn’t: Has never been known to say a single word.

Brian Gionta:
Why he should: Has never taken a shift off in his life, also leads by example on the ice, pushes everyone around him to be better.
Why he shouldn’t: Can’t see over the crowd on the ice so he never knows where the officials are.

Michael Cammalleri:
Why he should: Excellent player, incredibly charismatic (especially with the media), was a huge component of the Habs’ unexpected postseason success last year.
Why he shouldn’t: He’s an excellent player and works hard, so the… um… Not English Media will turn on him five seconds after he is given the “C”  and continue to crap all over him for as long as he’s a Montreal Canadien.

Vincent Lecavalier:
Why he should: Hometown boy, excellent player and fan favourite, proven leadership, gives a great interview in both languages.
Why he shouldn’t: There’s this stupid rule in the NHL that says you have to play for the team you’re captaining.

Travis Moen:
Why he should: Travis Moen is absolutely perfect in every way.
Why he shouldn’t: Travis Moen is absolutely perfect in every way.

Hal Gill:
Why he should: Some blabber about the veteran thing, has a calming effect on the rest of the team, works hard and is always positive.
Why he shouldn’t: By the time he skates over to the officials to make his point, the next game will already have started.

PK Subban:
Why he should: He’d revel (and shine) under the spotlight, have a smartass answer for every stupid question from the media,  and if you listen to the fans he’s light years better than that scrub, Drew Doughty.
Why he shouldn’t: Habs fans are likely to turn on him in a really vicious way when they find out he is not, in fact, better than Drew Doughty but really just a regular extremely excellent elite defenseman.

Carey Price:
Why he should: Well, that goaltender-being-captain thing has proven very successful in Vancouver, so, like, why not?
Why he shouldn’t: Yeah, I lied about that Vancouver thing. Here’s how it turned out: LOLZ