The very first things you need to know about hockey

Say one day your sister decides to take an interest in hockey and that she likes the St. Louis Blues sweaters the best.

Squishiest cheeks in the NHL

Just go with it, because at least she’s taking an interest in hockey. I mean, they were threatening to come and take away her Canadian citizenship and deport her to somewhere she’d fit in more. Like New Jersey. Do you want that?

Whatever the reason she’s decided to like it, you naturally want to support this interest in the most important thing in your life (no, that’s not sad) (is it?).

The first thing you wanna do is give her a quick primer on how things work in the wonderful world of NHL hockey these days. To make this easier, you can print the following bullet points out and read them to her:

• NHL officials do not actually hate your team, nor are they out to get your favourite player. They are just really, really bad at their jobs, pretty much universally. Sometimes it may feel like they want your team to lose, but unless they’re playing against Gregory Campbell, it’s just that the refs suck.
• Arenas not to go to in the visiting team’s jersey: Philadelphia, Boston, Montreal, Philadelphia.
• If your sister happens to be a Montreal fan, you already know she is crazy. Don’t chirp her when it’s time for your team to play Montreal, she has access to a pair of scissors and knows where your closet with those pretty pretty clothes in it is located.
• Forget all those cocktails, you are going to have to start drinking an obscene amount of beer. Coup de Grisou is a good place to start. If you can find any.
• No, there is no hope for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Not a hope, not a prayer, not a chance in hell.
• The St. Louis Blues sweaters really are purdy. Feel free to buy your sister one for Christmas. With Halak on it. The 3rd jersey. Cool?
• If you’re sticking with the Blues, you need this important piece of information: TJ Oshie has the squishiest cheeks in the NHL.
• About headshots: Nobody knows. It’s not just you.
• You must immediately choose sides in the Crosby vs Ovechkin manufactured rivalry. They are both excellent excellent players, but while Ovechkin is a gigantic douchebag, Sidney Crosby is a whiner. You know which way to go.
• Speaking of the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Washington Capitals, don’t talk to any of their fans. Pittsburgh Penguins fans didn’t exist before Sidney Crosby and now they pretend they’ve been devoted hockey fans for their entire lives (Which reminds me: don’t ever pretend you’ve been a hockey fan for your entire life if you haven’t). They are smug, obnoxious, and smug and obnoxious.
• As for the Caps fans… sigh. If there were ever a competition for the most sensitive fans in any sport, they would win handily, every year, forever. They get mad if you say even the nicest things about their team but aren’t complementary enough. They take it very personally if you don’t think everything about their team is more than perfect.
• Related: Mike Green is not an NHL defenseman. He is a forward. A forward. He just happens to play on the blueline.
• But seriously, don’t tell them that. They will cry. For a year.
• Don’t ever say anything bad about Jonathan Toews or Drew Doughty. theactivestick will come find you and cut you.
• When I said don’t go to Philadelphia wearing the visiting team jersey earlier, I meant it. For reals.

There are a ton more things you need to teach your sister who is a new hockey fan, but you don’t want to overwhelm her.  So start with this, and see how it goes.