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Your 2017 NHL Playoff Bandwagon Guide

April 12, 2017

Happy playoffs everyone! Here are reasons to root for each team. Like every year, these are in the order of each team’s league finish, so please do not yell at me like you do every year about how X or Y team should be higher or lower. You did not read this and will yell at me anyway.

  1. Washington Capitals: I mean come on. Root for them because you are tired of choking narratives, of overused storylines, of words like ‘enigma,’ ‘leadership,’ and ‘character.’ Root for them because they are fun and adorable and exciting. Root for them because Alexander Ovechkin’s cup celebration would be so gratifying if you are a grown up and not from the state of Pennsylvania. 
  2. Pittsburgh Penguins: Kris Letang is out so is life even worth living oh wait there’s Sidney’s butt.
  3. Chicago Blackhawks: I mean, they’re always a safe bet, but at this point it seems like “because you are a Blackhawks fan” is the only reason. 
  4. Columbus Blue Jackets: if you’ve been sleeping on this team, listen, there’s this kid called Zach Werenski. He has been amazing. We talk a lot about Torts and how this team is a lot of smoke and mirrors but look past all of that and watch this guy. He is not smoke and mirrors. 
  5. Minnesota Wild: I still can’t think of a single reason to cheer for this team. Maybe next year. (No, not next year, either.)
  6. Anaheim Ducks: because it would be kind of funny to see a really-only- okay-but-maybe-used-to-be-good team can a great coach, hire a bad coach, and go on to win a cup. 
  7. Montreal Canadiens: because this is the only true choice if you want me to love you. But if you really need another reason why would you need another reason think of how beautiful it would be to watch Literal Best Goaltender In The World Carey Price work absolute magic on the ice and then get rewarded for it instead of being let down by a useless system and mind numbing defensive mistakes. Are you crying? I’m crying. 
  8. Edmonton Oilers: I get it. Their fans are annoying. Their media people are annoying. Their owner is a Grade A Jackwagon. But this team is so damn fun to watch. If you can tune those other things out, you’ll enjoy watching them play. 
  9. New York Rangers: because you are a famous person in New York with nothing better to do that night and the Rangers gave you tickets so they could put you on the Jumbotron. 
  10. St. Louis Blues: I can’t use the David Backes rescues puppies thing anymore, huh. Oh well. Guess you should pick another bandwagon team.
  11. San Jose Sharks: it’s a long shot but Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton winning would just be really great and if you don’t at least like the Sharks then I do not understand you.
  12. Ottawa Senators: because we do not have enough gifs of Guy Boucher Dramatically Yelling, and because you want the Anderson family to have some fun so they can take their minds off of life stuff.
  13. Toronto Maple Leafs: is your attachment style “emotionally unavailable attractive human beings who will immediately completely DESTROY YOUR HEART even though they are so shiny and pretty to look at”? Here’s your bandwagon team.
  14. Calgary Flames: is your attachment style “kind and reliable partner who will love you back but your relationship will be mostly uneventful and you won’t conquer the world together but sometimes you’ll go out for a nice dinner but nothing too fancy but you’re kind of okay with all that”? Then cheer for these guys. 
  15. Nashville Predators: P.K. Subban. P.K Subban. P.K. SUBBAN. P.K. SUBBAN WITH A CUP. 
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