Leggings as pants
TAS Warning: another slightly uncomfortable post to follow. Not about the Fat or the PTSD, but if you’re not into feelings, skip this one and wait for the next post, I’ll make it more fun, I promise.
The concept of leggings worn as pants has always fascinated me. Not the act itself of wearing leggings as pants, but rather, the way we talk about leggings as pants. There’s so much debate about whether leggings are pants but then there’s also so much vitriol directed towards women who wear leggings as pants.
Why? Why can’t we just admire or applaud women who feel good enough in their own skin to wear leggings as pants? I would give almost anything to feel comfortable enough in my own skin to wear leggings as pants.
Which brings me to my 2013 “resolution.” I’m calling it my self-acceptance project.
So… if you’ve known me or read TAS in the last little while you’ll know I’ve been working on a lot of self-esteem stuff and if you’ve known me long enough you’ll know I’ve come a long long way on that front. But here’s the thing. I’m not where I want to be, and I’m pretty mad about that. It took me a long time to learn to separate my self-worth from the way that I look, and it’s done wonders for me, but I also don’t think that not defining myself with my looks means it’s okay for me to hate my looks. And I am so angry that I hate the way that I look.
I am so angry that I’m going to be 30 this year and I haven’t ever had a day where I’ve felt beautiful since shortly after I turned 16. I am so angry that the self-talk is louder than the words of the people who love me. I am so angry that I’ve wasted a lot of time trying to forgive other people, when it turns out, I’m under no obligation to ever forgive anyone at all, other than myself. I am so angry that I should feel good in my own skin and I don’t feel good in my own skin. I am so, so, so angry. I am mostly angry that I haven’t been this angry all these years.
So, back to the self-acceptance project. I’m going to do one thing every day that’s the opposite of my instinctual self-loathing head mess. I don’t know what things yet, for the most part, but I’ve been picking people’s brains and scouring the internet. Obviously a lot of these things will feel silly, but hey. I am determined.
I am determined to spend this year having pretty days instead of ugly days. I want to see myself like the people who love me see me and like I see the people I love.
I’m not sure how much of it I’ll be documenting on here, though. Some things are too personal and private to share, even for me, and you know I’ve tried my best to write honestly and openly about this stuff. There are just some things that can’t be talked about. I also don’t want to bore you all, or write more about myself than about hockey or baseball or other sports-related things.
So I bought one of them old fashioned journals (sorry, Environment, it’s just this one time, I promise). I’m going to write about my feelings (or, you know, whatever that day’s Thing was) in it each day. If I have any thoughts that I think people might want to read I’ll try to blog about them. The Fat Post got an amazing response from all sorts of people going through the same thing, so if there’s ever anything else about this stuff that I can share I’ll definitely do it.
So that’s a thing I’ll be doing in 2013, in addition to trying to become educated in beer, getting to a football game (TAILGATING), running for charity (more on that in the next couple of days), and did I mention becoming educated in beer?
As for the leggings as pants – if you feel beautiful in them, wear them, and tell everyone who has a problem with it to fuck right off, without feeling remotely bad about it. It’s their problem, not yours. Maybe one day when I stop carrying my pain around in these extra pounds, I’ll do the same thing.
Have a great New Year’s Eve, and an amazing 2013, everybody. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t ever drink and drive. Ever.