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Some predictions for Round 2

April 27, 2012




New York Rangers vs Washington Capitals

Coaches’ press conferences will be 1.7 seconds long. Combined. Henrik Lundqvist will take a ridiculous penalty and everybody on Twitter will be falling all over themselves trying to be the first to make the “2 minutes for looking so good” joke. One of the play-by-play guys will beat them to it. Capitals fans will find that Rangers fans are nicer than Bruins fans, until the series actually starts. Dan Girardi’s ice time will be equal to or greater than Alex Ovechkin’s ice time multiplied by 342.

(Washington in 6)

Philadelphia Flyers vs New Jersey Devils

The Flyers will be forced to come up with a new game plan when they realize that vaguely shooting the puck in the general direction of the net doesn’t automatically result in a goal. Scott Hartnell’s hair will swallow up Stephen Gionta. RDS will reduce the number of mentions that the Habs passed on Claude Giroux from four times a shift to four times a period. Batteries thrown onto the ice will be blamed on visiting New Jersey Devils fans. We still won’t be able to decide which Ilya is more overpaid.

(Philadelphia in 6)

St Louis Blues vs Los Angeles Kings

Both coaches will agree to pull their goalies when they realize Game 1 has gone on for four days. Drew Doughty will be the new Ryan Kesler of diving gifs on the internet. The St Louis Blues twitter account will tweet a picture of Jon Hamm at a game. The LA Kings twitter account will reply with “that’s adorbs, you guys.” Every time Alex Pietrangelo takes the ice, one of the play-by-play guys will be like “who’s that guy again?” Dustin Brown’s attempt to decapitate TJ Oshie will go awry when he bounces off one of Oshie’s cheeks and ends up going over the glass. The Blues will get a delay-of-game penalty for that.

(St Louis in 5)

Nashville Predators vs Phoenix Coyotes

The Coyotes will learn that falling over is not a good idea after the first couple of times David Legwand grabs whichever player has fallen down and hides him on the Predators bench. Antoine Vermette will run out of Axe body spray. Snakes thrown onto the ice will be blamed on visiting New Jersey Devils fans. We will hear about ratings 98358573 times during the series, which is about half the number of times we will hear Quebec Nordiques jokes. We will all be able to nap through the first four periods of each one of these games.

(Nashville in 7 years)

2 Comments leave one →
  1. April 27, 2012 1:39 pm

    I just want to see more of Weber’s beard and STUPID NEW YORK RANGERS EMBARRASSED IN EVERY SINGLE GAME THOSE STUPID JERKS! Yes, I am still emotionally unstable and heartbroken *sobs*

    Good read 🙂

  2. April 28, 2012 2:45 pm

    Ha. Nashville in 7 YEARS?

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