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The five people you meet at a Montreal Canadiens game

January 31, 2012

The Bell Centre is just beautiful.

Getting tickets to a Canadiens home game used to involve donating one or more of your organs to a guy driving by in a sketchy van. For some reason, it hasn’t been completely impossible to get tickets to see the Habs play at the Bell Centre this year. I wonder what that’s about. Anyway, people who have never been to a Canadiens game before may finally get a chance to do so now, so I’d like to present a brief guide to the people they are sure to encounter during this once-in-a-lifetime-unless-your-dad-is-super-rich-and-has-season-tickets-and-seriously-you’re-not-even-a-hockey-fan-give-me-those-tickets experience.

  1. The “Bruins Sucks” guy. Or “Leafs Sucks” guy or “Red Wings Sucks” guy or you get my point guy. This is the guy that gets so obsessed with the visiting team’s fan(s) sitting in his section that he forgets a hockey game is going on. He’ll chant “1967” at the Leafs fan as if it’s the first time that’s ever been said, he’ll tell the Sharks fan to “go back to LA” and every time the Habs get a penalty he’ll ask the visiting fan how much he or she paid the refs. Eventually a line brawl will break out. Because all the Habs fans in the same section will be falling all over themselves trying to punch him.
  2. The visiting team fan. You usually don’t hear much from this fan during the first two periods. He or she is usually sitting down in shock, eyes glazed over and everything, repeating “$10.25 for a beer… $10.25 for a beer… $10.25… 12 ounces… $10.25…”
  3. The veteran visiting team fan. This fan is usually found sympathetically patting the first timer on the back, telling him or her that yes, they were shocked by the beer price, too, and yes, it is stupid that they won’t let you down into the lower bowl and watch the warm-ups, but seriously, isn’t this great, they try and make a trip up to Montreal every season and really, how great is this?
  4. The kid with way more knowledge about hockey than one can normally fit into a human brain. Seriously, kid, you’re an 8-year-old, how are you explaining Corsi numbers to your dad? Pay attention to this kid though, because he has a way less biased view of whether that was a good offside call or whether PK Subban really tripped that guy this time.
  5. The paraphernalia guy. This guy is wearing a Habs jersey, a Habs hat, a Habs scarf, Habs boxers, Habs socks as well as jeans and sneakers with the CH logo sewn onto them. On top of all this he is wearing a tacky leather jacket with all of the Canadiens Cup years stitched onto the sleeves, and below all this he probably has about twenty-seven Canadiens-related tattoos. This is the guy you want to talk to. He’ll be pretty drunk, and know every single detail about the Montreal Canadiens, dating back to their founding. And who doesn’t love drunken hockey history lessons?

The one person you never see at a Montreal Canadiens game

Andrei Markov.

Your turn. Who are the five people I’d meet at your team’s arena?

(Idea shamelessly stolen from this brilliant guy.)

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. January 31, 2012 12:36 pm

    In Jersey….
    1. The Nice Old Lady with season tickets that takes your contact information after the game so she can sell you cheap tickets to games that she cant attend from time to time…

    2. Some Asshole with a Claude Giroux sign for reasons not readily apparent, oh wait thats me….

    3. A PLAYOFF TEAM…

    4. Really cute girls wearing devil horns (whats not to love? Really?)

    5. On this side of the state border the fans dont beat up army veterans…zing!!

  2. January 31, 2012 1:57 pm

    1. A guy in a suit that doesn’t know the score of the game even though he’s 6 rows from the glass. Luckily, there’s an entire lower bowl of them.
    2. Related, a sushi vendor, just to hear about how great business is going.
    3. Parents taking their kids to their first game… there’s just something magical about watching the game through the eyes of a youngster.
    4. Anyone in the press box that has great Damien Cox stories.
    5. Rick Nash.

  3. DIRTY WATER DOGS permalink
    January 31, 2012 2:09 pm

    1. Pyro
    2. Creepy Uncle Francois
    3. Youppi
    4. Post-Climbers
    5. Strippers

  4. January 31, 2012 2:17 pm

    In Ottawa

    1) The dedicated fans: usually in the nosebleeds, very active all game they’ll even sing along with the lame songs and cheer for the intermission activities. Always a pleasure to talk to and while not everyone always agrees, great conversations always happen and like you said the more beer, the more fun happens and the more expert opinions we get but these are the fans you want to be with at all times. They get fewer as you do down the bowl but generally are scattered all over.

    2) The lost “fan”: usually found all over the arena, gets super confused at all the different chants and turns back to shush fans who are apparently “too loud” because obviously they thought they were here to watch the Nutcracker and not a hockey game. What’s awesome about these fans is the responses they get from the others “go watch from the quiet room, loser!”

    3) The permanent Leafs fans: no matter what game, no matter what time there ALWAYS has to be at least one random Leafs fan at a game just to show us that they can fill at least one seat in SBP because you know Sens fans are so lame they couldn’t fill that particular seat. It’s can be fun with all the chirping but the constant “Alfie Sucks” even if Alfie is out with injury gets kinda mind numbing.

    4) The “beat the traffic” fans: these are the fans who deserve to have their ticket privelages taken away from them because seriously, if you’re going to make the effort to pay and come to the middle of nowhere to watch a game might as well stay for the three stars and some more you lame fan! Doesn’t matter what the result is, this fan will just run to make sure they break the record for fastest fan out of an arena and while they fail to do everytime, they are dedicated enough to keep trying with every game they attend.

    5) The “shoot the puck” fans: who spend their entire time and energy screaming “SHOOT THE PUCK IDIOT” failing to understand that Erik Karlsson probably needs to cross the other team’s blue line before starting to shoot the puck. Also take credit everytime the team scores “see, didn’t I say all they needed was to shoot the puck?” also ignoring the fact that the team had shot the puck 20+ times before that puck went in along with ignoring the fact that the player actually deflected the puck in the net as opposed to his shoot the puck theory.

    There are a few more to be found, but I can gurantee you these will ALWAYS be there. Also great read, love it!

    -SD19

    • DIRTY WATER DOGS permalink
      January 31, 2012 2:20 pm

      alfie blows.

      Sundin for life.

      • January 31, 2012 2:27 pm

        Sundin for life? Yep thats for sure, until he signs with the Canucks 😉 But hey at least a break from Alfie “sucks”

  5. January 31, 2012 4:04 pm

    If we’re talking local hockey, that’d be ECHL and if you were to meet 5 people total at a game, that would be impressive…

  6. January 31, 2012 7:38 pm

    Can I just say that I hate those smart kids because they make me look dumb?

    I mean, maybe I am, kid, and maybe when I was your age I didn’t know what an AHL even was, but there’s no reason to rub it in.

  7. January 31, 2012 8:34 pm

    In Dallas … oh please forgive me Stars fans …

    The $40K annual salary “millionaire” – you can identify this fan by his/her BMW keychain, iPhone permanently affixed to his/her hand if you can see it under the glare of the diamond ring. Inevitably, this fan will have premium seats and will only cheer when Mike Modano is shown on the scoreboard. He still plays for us, right?

    The opposition fan – this person actually LIVES in the Metroplex, works in TX, owns a home in TX, but thirty years ago, wasted their misspent youth in some snowbound locale such as Michigan, Minnesota or Massachusetts, until they were old enough to ditch the snow shovels for flip flops. These fans will also cheer when Mike Modano is shown on the scoreboard because he was smart enough to leave the snow belt too.

    The stealth Canadian – this person will blend in with the crowd and try to look like a casual fan, cheering at the appropriate moments, drinking a Shiner Bock, complaining there aren’t enough jalapenos on their cheese fries. But the minute the official makes a bad call, while the other fans boo or look confused, this fan’s face will turn into a such a scowl you won’t be able to see the slits where you believe their eyes once were. In an almost inaudible whisper, you will hear them mutter, “Oh for fuck’s sake,” then shake their head and take a long, slow swig of their Shiner. They too will cheer when Mike Modano is shown on the scoreboard, but they still won’t pronounce his last name correctly. It’s “Mo-DAHHHHH-no.”

    The “Most Eligible” fan – this fan is NOT to be confused with the $40K annual salary fan. This fan has money and isn’t afraid to spend it, on clothes, shoes, spray tans, hair extensions, handbags, jewelry, dogs in a purse and other accoutrements. This fan will most likely be in one of the luxury suites, drinking top shelf only please and will leave right after they cheer for Mike Modano on the scoreboard to go to the Ghost bar at the W. They don’t know who he is but who cares, he’s hot, that’s worth a round of applause.

    The hard core Stars fans – this fan is at every Stars home game and knows which gate opens a little earlier for season ticket holders. This fan can be easily identified by their Stars jersey – unless it’s a Mooterus jersey. That fan has his/her whole other category which I won’t get into here. This fan has probably also been to many Stars practices when their work schedule permits, is on a first name basis with Joe Nieuwendyk and can tell you the day jobs of each of the Ice Girls. This fan cheers just as loudly when they show Jere Lehtinen on the scoreboard as they do when they show Mike Modano. This fan also could be jailed if they ever run into Tom Hicks in a dark alley – especially if he’s wearing a Mooterus jersey.

    The one person you better not see at ANY Stars game, bryan marchment, may he rot in Oklahoma somewhere.

  8. February 1, 2012 1:39 pm

    In Boston
    1. Some fackin guy from chahlestown who got fackin LOADED at sully’s (3 dollah narragansetts buddy best deal in town) and swears and calls the players pussies unless they hit dudes while also fighting.
    2. old people still wearing their Neely/Bourque/O’Reilly jerseys
    3. high school girls inviting Tyler Seguin to prom
    4. Johnny “My First Bruins Game” College Student who is likely to either spill beer or just straight-up puke on the person in front of them. Likely to get kicked out over some stupid argument
    5. I’m sure there are some stereotypes about loge people but I never go down there and you can’t hear them in the balcony, so…

  9. February 3, 2012 1:30 pm

    The old Montreal Forum is one building I would’ve LOVED to have gone to!

  10. therangersfan permalink
    February 3, 2012 5:36 pm

    NYR… You SO already know…

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