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Memo to the players

January 18, 2011

From: Management
To: Players

Dear Players,

Please be advised that, effective immediately, any celebrations of goals and wins, especially overtime goals and shootout wins, are not allowed. Any display of any kind of personality on or off the ice is strictly prohibited.

Should you happen to score a goal, you are instructed to solemnly return to the bench and take your seat and start reading whatever the hell Jacques keeps scribbling on his notepad or a Bible or something. Your teammates may congratulate you by nodding in your direction, but no glovebumps and certainly no hugs are permitted.

As for winning a game, espcecially in a shootout, the correct protocol to follow is this: make the game-winning stop (or wait for the clock to run out as you get absolutely shelled in the latter half of the third), stand up, and skate back to room with a quick smile in the direction of the fans. Poses and triple-low-fives will not be tolerated.

This will take some time to get used to, so at first those who can’t follow these rules will just be benched or scratched for a game or two. Repeat offenders, however, will be traded to Ottawa.

The reason for this rule change is that, quite frankly, certain (not all) media and fans appear to have objects lodged where the sun don’t shine and may or may not desperately need to get laid and therefore can’t stand the sight of any kind of joy or personality, and take every opportunity to give everybody headaches about it. We would like a break.

To sum up:

1. Don’t have any personality.
2. Don’t be happy.
3. Like, ever.
4. For the love of all that is good and holy, please tell us what the hell Jacques is writing in that notebook every game.

Your immediate cooperation is appreciated.


Senior Management.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. Number31 permalink
    January 18, 2011 10:54 am

    The Ministry of Depression approves of this message.

  2. January 18, 2011 11:47 am

    Also, the younger players should bow down to respected veterans like Mike Richards every time they face them.

    • theactivestick permalink*
      January 18, 2011 11:53 am

      The Habs are waiting for the NHL to make that a league-wide regulation.

  3. January 18, 2011 1:05 pm

    Not only shall a player solemnly return to the bench upon scoring, but the scorer shall also issue a formal apology to the loser and make a charitable donation in said loser’s name to the charitable cause of the loser’s choosing.

    In addition, a scale of punishment for celebratory offenses shall now be instituted, effective immediately.

    Upon scoring a goal, if you:

    A. Raise an arm.
    Penalty: Benched for the remainder of the period, and forced to chew aluminum foil during that time.

    B. Raise both arms.
    Penalty: Forced to clean team’s equipment after each game and practice for a week.

    C. Fist pump
    Penalty: Offending player will stand in as 2nd string goaltender in practice wearing nothing but tighty whities and a dunce cap.

    D. Jump in to the glass
    Penalty: Forced to jump from the Jacques Cartier Bridge wearing full gear. The goal here is to purge the urge to leap forever and ever, amen.

    E. Excessive celebration, including:
    • Screaming, hollering, or any other verbal expression of joy,
    happiness, or relief
    • Riding of the stick
    • Sheathing one’s stick as if it were a rapier
    • Mike Foligno style celebrations (
    Penalty: Being placed in stocks and flogged in the city square.

    • theactivestick permalink*
      January 19, 2011 2:17 am

      Excellent work. And yet none of these punishments are as bad as being traded to Ottawa.

  4. January 18, 2011 2:39 pm

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this is stupid…had this been Ovechkin it would’ve been exciting for the game. Let the kids play and have fun, nothing was more raging than hearing PK’s apologetic tone in the post game completely uncalled for.

    Great post a usual 🙂

  5. January 18, 2011 8:47 pm

    I’m (ahem) pleased to see that the Canadiens are adopting the rules of the NFL (No Fun League) and will suppress all those things that the average fan actually enjoys. What right does buying a ticket give you to enjoy yourself at a sporting event?


  1. Daily Pucking Grind. January 19. « The Rat Trick | A Florida Panthers Blog

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