Memo to the players
Please be advised that, effective immediately, any celebrations of goals and wins, especially overtime goals and shootout wins, are not allowed. Any display of any kind of personality on or off the ice is strictly prohibited.
Should you happen to score a goal, you are instructed to solemnly return to the bench and take your seat and start reading whatever the hell Jacques keeps scribbling on his notepad or a Bible or something. Your teammates may congratulate you by nodding in your direction, but no glovebumps and certainly no hugs are permitted.
As for winning a game, espcecially in a shootout, the correct protocol to follow is this: make the game-winning stop (or wait for the clock to run out as you get absolutely shelled in the latter half of the third), stand up, and skate back to room with a quick smile in the direction of the fans. Poses and triple-low-fives will not be tolerated.
This will take some time to get used to, so at first those who can’t follow these rules will just be benched or scratched for a game or two. Repeat offenders, however, will be traded to Ottawa.
The reason for this rule change is that, quite frankly, certain (not all) media and fans appear to have objects lodged where the sun don’t shine and may or may not desperately need to get laid and therefore can’t stand the sight of any kind of joy or personality, and take every opportunity to give everybody headaches about it. We would like a break.
To sum up:
1. Don’t have any personality.
2. Don’t be happy.
3. Like, ever.
4. For the love of all that is good and holy, please tell us what the hell Jacques is writing in that notebook every game.
Your immediate cooperation is appreciated.