Dressing-room changes now that Brian Gionta is the captain of the Canadiens
News to noone that Brian Gionta is to be the next captain of the Montreal Canadiens was officially announced by the club yesterday. The reaction from the dressing room was nine or ten shades of positive, while Gionta himself said that as the core group of guys that were leaders in the room last year are still there, he doesn’t expect things to change much.
That’s not entirely accurate. Now that Gionta is going to be captaining the team, some subtle changes in the Canadiens dressing-room culture will take place, although many of them might not be apparent on the ice.
Under the captaincy of Brian Gionta:
- Hal Gill will no longer be allowed to grab Gionta’s car keys and hold them out of his reach because watching Gionta jump up and down trying to get them back them is funny.
- Neither will Mike Cammalleri.
- We will all see the C and the As proudly displayed on the sweaters of Gionta, Gill and Andrei Markov, but what viewers at home won’t be able to see is that the other players will take turns to wear a subtle D for every game, which stands for Designated Player To Hold The Captain Up So He Can See What’s Going On And Talk To The Officials.
- Except for Benoit Pouliot, because everyone knows he’s a fucking lazyass.
- The team will no longer be allowed to help Carey Price and Alex Bauld practice their goaltending skillz or lack thereof by shooting Gionta at them.
- One of the perks of being a captain is that you no longer have to be one of the two little skaters that come out onto the ice and wave the Canadiens flag around before the team comes out.
- Gionta will agree to take French lessons if the media will agree to interview him from on their knees.
- One downside to being captain is that it is now always up to you to explain what the coach said to Andrei Kostitsyn by translating English or French into Caveman.
- Ryan O’Byrne must give up his nickname, Big Sexy, so as not to make the captain feel bad.
- He can keep the ‘Big’ part, not the ‘Sexy’ part.
- No more noogies. This means you, Josh Gorges.