Time for a new rivalry

Less than 20 days until the puck drops on our Montreal Canadiens’ 10?th season, my five readers. Our Habs open 2010-2011 in the gorgeous city of Toronto against the hideous Toronto Maple Leafs, kicking off another year of hateration goodness… or just plain old dull hateration.

Am I the only one who’s bored of the Toronto Maple Leafs and their plague of contemptible fans? Are you as sick as I am of seeing the doucheclown Boston Bruins 800 times a year and wondering which of their fans were actually dropped on their heads as babies and which are just pretending?

It’s time to stir the pot a little and make ourselves some new enemies, Habs fans, and I’ve got the perfect team for it. Except for the teeny tiny minor hiccup I like to call “that team has no fans,” of course. But hey, we’re Habs fans, we’re resourceful, we’ll figure out a way to annoy the hell out of somebody in the name of this new rivalry.

So which team is it, you ask?

Say hello to your new most-hated team, Habs fans: The Tampa Bay Lightning.

Why in Koivu’s name did I pick the Tampa Bay Lightning, you ask?

Well, for one thing, I really am sick of chirping the same damn teams’ fans about the same damn things.

Habs-Leafs rivalry: “Your team sucks.” “So does yours.” “Eh. I guess you’re right.”

Habs-Bruins rivalry: “Your team sucks.” “Yeah, well your team’s been my team’s bitch since the dawn of time.” “Eh. I guess you’re right.”

Yeah. It gets old. So I went looking.

First I looked within the division, but the Ottawa Senators fans are too busy trying to manufacture a rivalry with the Toronto Maple Leafs because they think that will make their team relevant. Pro tip: it will not.

I tried to also muster up some hatred for the Buffalo Sabres (other than the six times a year the Habs play those slugs), but all I ever see at Sabres games are drunk Leafs fans and the occasional drunk Southern Ontario Habs fan. Been there, yawned at that.

To me, the ideal rivalry would be a revival of the ugly, bloody, murderous one we had with the Quebec Nordiques, but while we wait for them to come back, we Habs fans need something to keep us busy for a couple of years.

So I decided to expand my search to the entire Eastern Conference. I ignored the Western Conference entirely because the Habs don’t play there enough and, well, I don’t wanna stay up that late all the time.

I decided to eliminate teams that weren’t going to be there at the end of the 2010-2011 season right off the bat, so Atlanta, Florida and the New York Islanders were immediately disqualified. I also eliminated the New York Rangers and the New Jersey Devils because they have their own snoozerrific rivalry and also there are only so many “jam jar” jokes you can make, and only so many times you can point at a Rangers fan, say “Sather” and watch them cry before you get bored.

If I could stomach the Carolina Hurricanes long enough to chirp at their fans, they wouldn’t be a bad candidate, but I can’t so… Also since Rod Brind’amour retired the team is 90% less ugly and has 60% less mockable content by volume. No fun.

While both Philadelphia and Pittsburgh would be worthy of an intense rivalry with our Habs, they’ve already got one or their own and to be honest I am shit scurred of Flyers fans, and Pittsburgh fans are basically like what Boston fans would be if they had Sidney Crosby. As for the Washington Capitals… the last postseason would indicate that there should be some rivalling between our two fanbases, but most of you monkeys are still busy telling each other “your team is my Number 2 team.” I’m way too lazy to turn all you lovebirds against each other, but allow me to point out what ‘Number 2’ is also often used to refer to. Just sayin’ z’all.

So… we are left with the Tampa Bay Lightning. And hey. It’s not a bad team to swear your undying hatred to:

• Stevie Y stole our dudez, yo. (No he didn’t. Play along.)
• Brian Gionta vs Marty St. Louis: which team has the cutest mini-player?
• Anytime the Flying Frenchmen on the Lightning beat our Habs, we can look forward to some fantastic fail from the local media, and for that, their team deserves to die in a fire.
• Stevie Y is sexay.
• They have Ryan Malone, he of the “I knocked up someone you know and didn’t call her,” face. Don’t you just wanna punch him?
• Keeping tabs on Stevie is way easier on the eyes than keeping tabs on Burkie or Chia or whoever.
• Tampa Bay is definitely maybe going to be better this year, so the games should really hopefully please be intense.
• Taking over the another team’s barn is way more fun in sunny St. Pete than in Ottawa, plus the arena’s easier to get to for Habs fans.
• A ticket down to Florida with seats against the glass and a night out are probably cheaper than standing-room tickets at the ACC.
• You can go watch a Habs game in Boston and get the crap kicked out of you by the home team’s fans… or you can go to a Habs game in Tampa Bay and not worry about the home team’s fans at all.
• Also, I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but, like, Stevie Y? All kinds of nice to look at.

Bring it on.