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If Pierre McGuire ran the Habs

August 10, 2010

Like any self-respecting Serious Hockey Blogger, I have amassed a collection of my own ‘insiders’ that inform me about all the goings-on in the hockey world. I, in turn, pass this information on to you, my five readers. For example, I recently provided you with insight on how the Carey Price contract negotiations were going with the help of two exclusive inside sources: one named Internet Memes and another named Twitter Blabber.

I can’t name my next insider, but we’ll just call him “the guy who sat outside my office at my old job, who used to torture me by joking that Pierre McGuire was going to be the next Montreal Canadiens General Manager because he went to the same high school or golf club or something as Geoff Molson.” Or ‘P’ for short.

“No way,” I always said.

Evil grin and vigorous nodding, he always said.

Now that Geoff Molson is taking over Pierre “Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead” Boivin’s job, the 0.00000000000000% chance that Pierre would ever take over the Habs is now a 0.00000000000001% chance, if we are to believe P’s top-secret exclusive inside information that they golf together or that they went to school together i.e. Geoff Molson regularly beat Pierre up. Which of course in the world of internet hockey rumours, means IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN ZOMG.

As a diligent hockey analyst in addition to a well-connected information provider, I felt it important to examine what the Montreal Canadiens Hockey Operations will look like under the management of Pierre McGuire*:

  • Everybody in the Canadiens organization will immediately be given a lifetime supply of earplugs.
  • This will obviously not be enough to make the noise level at the workplace comfortable.
  • The entire Habs Top 6 will be shipped out for being under 6’5 and 230lbs. (Also, under 5’5 and 130lbs.)
  • Guys! Guys! We’re getting Mike Richards!
  • Managing a team of which 3/4 of the players have restraining orders out against you can sometimes prove difficult. I can’t wait to see how Pierre handles this challenge.
  • Carey Price will learn that there are things that can make your job more difficult than being booed on home ice.
  • Like having your GM hide in your net all game.
  • Unofficial club policy will be that the maximum age of a player on the Canadiens roster cannot exceed 24. Except in the case of Mike Richards, of course.  
  • Someone will hack into the Canadiens organizational database and the home addresses of the players will all be mysteriously deleted. In a totally unrelated story, the team will buy a nerdy kid from a nearby high school dinner for a year and periodically show up at his school and pretend to be his friends.
  • A series of coaches will be hired and fired because of their inability to teach the Canadiens players how to Double Dion someone.  Some might later say those coaches ‘got Phaneufed.’
  • Guys! Guys! We’re getting T.J. Oshie!
  • A little-known fact about Pierre is that he once wrote a book called How To Play Big With Small Appendages: The Chris Pronger Story. It goes without saying that this will be required reading for all Montreal Canadiens draft picks.
  • All of whom will be kidnapped from the World Juniors as opposed to selected at the NHL entry draft in July.
  • So when I said “draft picks” above I really meant “victims.”
  • But you knew that.
  • Kirk Muller’s creepy pedo-smile from his Canadiens.com mug shot will have competition in the creepy pedo-anything department.
  • Maxim Lapierre will no longer be the member of the Montreal Canadiens who talks the most crap.
  • Guys! Guys! We’re getting Tyler Myers!
  • I will realize my life-long dream of having a job in hockey operations when Pierre hires me immediately after I introduce myself to him as theactivestick.
  • He will then proceed to tell me, “You know, I’ve always wondered what that meant…”

*I was sure other diligent hockey analysts have considered this and discussed it, but I googled it and didn’t find anything on the front page of the results so I’m just assuming I’m the only diligent hockey analyst there is on this topic. Set me straight if not.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. Francois Simard permalink
    August 10, 2010 3:58 pm

    Funny piece. You could’ve add:

    – All drafted playsers will become best kids in the world coming from the best family in the world…

  2. August 10, 2010 6:01 pm

    Good stuff! I especially enjoyed this:

    Carey Price will learn that there are things that can make your job more difficult than being booed on home ice.
    Like having your GM hide in your net all game.

    Or like having your GM behind you in the shower….oy vay. Either scenario is probable.

  3. Number31 permalink
    August 10, 2010 10:25 pm

    He would become coach, GM, president, and mascot. And the local creepy mccreep. And will kaBOMB your world.

    He knows how far away you live from Saku Koivu’s home in Finland. In kilometres.

    Hide your little boys, and your Carey Prices.

  4. Frank Rekas(TheRatTrick.com) permalink
    August 11, 2010 9:02 pm

    Great post. And don’t forget he’ll be calling someone a “Monster” a hundred thousand times all year!

  5. ImissHalak permalink
    August 17, 2010 4:09 pm

    that made me laugh if not a bit worry. Funny post. I had a question, is he worse than carbonneau? And is mike richards his fav or wat?
    thxx

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