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NHL Summer Vacations: Division Rivals Edition

July 23, 2010

As you know, I have been spending my offseason stalking NHLers and am now posting what I’ve uncovered up here. We’ve already covered the Habs, but you know you gotta keep an eye on your enemies, too. Our beloved division rivals have also been pretty busy this summer:

  • Tyler Seguin is learning all about what it’s like to be a Boston Bruin. Zdeno Chara is telling him what it’s like to be booed in Montreal. Marc Savard is telling him what it’s like to be booed in Montreal, Atlanta and Calgary. Michael Ryder is telling him what it’s like to be booed in Boston.
  • Brian Burke is on a boat, motherfuckers, so don’t be callin’ to bother him about Kaberle or anything. Disrupt that man’s vacation and he’ll cut a bitch.
  • Jason Spezza thanks the fans in Ottawa for giving him the space he needed to work through his frustration about the way his season ended.
  • Bryan Murray thanks every other GM in the league for not having enough cap space to take on Spezza’s salary.
  • Michael Komisarek got a Twitter account, and Allan Walsh was gracious enough to pass Mikey his Twitter Block List.
  • Tummy Thomas is contemplating eating Tuukka Rask. If they can’t find him, they can’t start him… Right?
  • Luke Schenn is never going to be spending his summer as well as Drew Doughty, Keithbrook or Shea Weber can spend theirs.
  • Matt Carkner is trying to devise more ways to be the butt of Leafs fans’ Colton Orr jokes because the 7824398157 unoriginal, unfunny ones we’ve already heard have left us desperately wanting more.

I was going to tell you what some of the Buffalo Sabres have been up to but I just heard you go “what’s a Buffalo Sabre” as you read that, so I guess not…

Oh, alright fine, in the interest of not doing everything half-assed:

  • Ryan Miller is in talks with a studio hoping to create a new cartoon based on him. Except they’re not going to create a little animated caricature of him. They’re just using photographs.
  • Patrick Kaleta is writing a book called Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and also Cheap Shots, Okay, Really Only Cheap Shots.
  • Tyler Myers is working on a project with some scientists in a secret undercover lab in Siberia or Hoboken or somewhere. While I can’t confirm what exactly it is they are developing, I have heard rumours that the working title of the project is ‘Pierre McGuire Repellent.’
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4 Comments leave one →
  1. July 23, 2010 9:22 am

    Wait, what’s a Buffalo Sabre? Seriously, I’m stumped.

  2. July 23, 2010 10:32 am

    Wait, you say Patrick Kaleta knows how to write?

  3. Number31 permalink
    July 25, 2010 1:14 am

    How I Spent My Summer Vacation, by Nathan Gerbe
    1. Stalking Brian Gionta
    2. Learning how to hypnotize Darcy and Lindy so I don’t have to go back to fucking Portland.
    3. Plot how to accidentally on purpose injure Vanek so I don’t have to go back to fucking Portland. Though Connolly might already be injured. (WTF Niedermeyer? Seriously? Get off my roster spot, old man).
    4. Stalking Brian Gionta some more.
    5. Went to the beach. Not near Portland.

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