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New Year’s Resolutions

December 31, 2009

I don’t think I’ve ever really kept a New Year’s Resolution in my life. But this year will be different, I swear. I know you’ve heard that before, but it was from the San Jose Sharks, not me.

As I try to figure out which of my many vices and shortcomings I should try to change in 2010, I got to thinking about 2010 resolutions in the NHL…

There are the obvious resolutions, like losing weight, that Marty Brodeur, Kyle Wellwood and Guillaume Latendresse probably make and break every year.

There’s what I like to call the Vesa Toskala resolution, in which you can have the best of intentions but for some reason life has resolved to place banana peels in your path every step of the way. Every step.

There’s the Bob Gainey resolution, in which you resolve to sign Tomas Plekanec to a serious extension, but that’s really just wishful thinking by Habs fans and Plekanec will be lost to Brian Burke in July.

Then there are the ones we at theactivestick are sure are being made across the hockey world this evening:

Joe Thornton and Patrick Marleau resolve not to choke in big games in 2010. Like seriously, cause I wouldn’t wanna face an angry or disappointed Mike Babcock, ever. Todd McLellan, maybe, but not Mike Babcock. Ever.

Marian Gaborik is not making a New Year’s resolution in case it strains his groin.

Tomas Plekanec resolves to continue to be fucking awesome in a way nobody never imagined, and also to branch out from turtlenecks to crewnecks once in a while. Oh, and to make oodles and gobs of money come July.

Jason Spezza resolves to learn to control the idiotic giggling, especially since his wife and the entire Ottawa Senators fanbase (all 78 of them) are looking over at Mike Fisher and going, “hey, how you doin’?”

Jennifer Spezza and the entire Ottawa Senators fanbase (all 42 of them) are Joey from Friends, apparently.

Dion Phaneuf, Jay Bouwmeester and Robyn Regehr do not resolve to injure any unnamed defencemen on the Chicago Blackhawks, they swear.

Andrei Markov  resolves never to get injured again, and also to stop blushing so furiously when crazy Habs fans accost him when he’s out and about, and also never to learn French cause the Montreal Media can go fuck themselves and also learning nine words in English was hard enough.

John Tortorella resolves to return to a TV job in 2010. This has been his resolution since late October, apparently. 

Scott Gomez and Maxim Lapierre resolve not to be such twerpy, cocky, jackasses. Habs fans everywhere hope they fail.

The Philadelphia Flyers resolve to put an end to this ridiculous meltdown cause seriously, WTF? [Edit: Apparently they’ve already started.]

Brian Burke and Ron Wilson resolve not to be such pompous self-righteous douchebags. And… they laugh. In a related story, Gary Bettman resolves to stop making bad decisions.

Sergei Kostitsyn resolves never to run away from home again, and also to stop letting go of his brother’s hand at the grocery store which almost always results in Andrei getting lost and crying. He also resolves to stop emailing Mikhail Grabovski pictures of peeled pineapples to mess with his concentration on Leafs gamedays.

Chris Higgins resolves to call and ask theactivestick out on a date. Oh, right, and something about not hitting the post, crossbar, goalie pads as much or something I wasn’t really listening cause OMG blue eyes.

theactivestick resolves to try not to lose patience with people who thought Mike Green should have made the Olympic team and tell them what’s what because despite what Mike Green thinks, he’s not a defenseman defenseman as much as he is a forward and I don’t want him on Team Canada facing the likes of Ovechkin, Semin, Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Hossa, Gaborik, Selanne, Jagr, or, you know, anybody.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Mike permalink
    January 3, 2010 3:57 pm

    Great resolutions. Doubt we’ll lose Pleks to Toronto though. I heard Burkie has a hate-on for turtlenecks and talent.

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