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A letter to our teammates, from Carey and Jaro

November 18, 2009

Dear team,

We hope you understand that we are writing you this letter out of love. We know it’s been tough, lately, with Markie out and all of you being new here and stuff but there’s some stuff we gotta talk to you about. This is really hard to say, and we’ve thought long and hard about how to tell you this, but it needs to be said:

Y’all really need to stop sucking donkey balls.

We know it’s exhausting for some of you to be playing 378 minutes a game. But if you think about it, one of us is usually on the ice longer than you. Even you, Roman. You might argue that goalies don’t really have as much to do, but that’s only true if you’re talking about other goalies, not us.

We appreciate the difficult situation Bob, or ‘Mr Gainey’ as Jaro calls him, placed you all in when he signed Marc-André. But if you took that situation, and multiplied it by, like, a million, you’d be in ours (multiply by another million for any time we’re on the PK).

We understand how much it must suck to move the puck up the ice like you’re Gomer, and then realize that instead of Scottie’s linemates you were stuck with a Grunty Moody Maybe The Next Alex Kovalev and a Token French Dude.

We know some of you couldn’t help getting injured. But we would like maybe the useless guys (you know who you are) to throw yourselves in the line of fire so that guys who actually give a shit about winning like Metro and the Captain don’t have to go down. But you’re… err… from not too far away from here, so we’re guessing… ain’t gonna happen?

We’re trying to be as understanding as possible about all this, but really. Stop sucking. For serious. If you can’t stop sucking cold turkey, we’re fine with you taking it one shift at a time.

You just need to do something cause when you play like shit, our cars get egged, we have to answer stupid questions from some of the media, drunk dudes corner us when we’re out partying to ask us why we suck, and people draw those Hitler mustaches on posters of us. And that last thing is really annoying.

We got each of you a copy of this great book. It’s called “Stop Taking Stupid Penalties Four Thousand Times A Game, You Tardbags” by C.P. and J.H.

Let us know once you’re done with that, we have more presents for you. The authors have written other books in that series, like “Who The Fuck Are You Passing To, Assclown?” and “Maybe Don’t Spear Your Goaltender, You Douchebag.”

We also think you should look into why you can’t seem to direct any pucks towards the other teams’ goalies, but you’re quite happy to break our collarbones and relieve us of our ability to procreate . Would it kill you to prevent future Pascal Leclaires from happening, instead?

We want to know which one of you keeps letting Marc-André out of the equipment closet we lock him in before every game. We promise we’re not going to beat the living daylights out of you so you’ll never do it again. Really.

Psst. Spatch. We’re going to tell you a secret: If you’re injured, you don’t have to play until you’re up to it. We swear, it’s not a trick. I mean, you being out would probably be much worse for us, but it’s breaking our hearts, watching you play. We would like you to know how much it means to us that you’re killing yourself a little every day for this team. As for the rest of you, what the fuck is your excuse?

New Guy, whatever your name is, you’re supposed to be a Stay At Home Defenseman. So far you’ve been pretty good at the Stay at Home part. Let’s try working on the Defenseman bit a little.

Gui, for fuck’s sakes, put the burgers down for a minute. Is your name Martin Brodeur? No? Then you have no excuse to be fat. You’re not even like a  Tim Thomas (who’s pushing it a little), or a Kyle Wellwood (yes, we went there). Benoit Brunet is the only person in the world who thinks you look fine, but that’s only because he’s fat, too.

There’s this other thing you guys need to do, called ‘scoring goals.’ Preferably more goals than the other team. We know you can’t do that when you don’t have the puck, so maybe read the books we told you about first and then we can all read “You’re Allowed To Play In The Other Team’s End Of The Ice Sometimes, Guys,” also by C.P. and J.H, together.

Look. We’ll admit it. We’ve both been shaky at times this season. But we’ve also both played brilliantly a lot of games. Games we lost. We’re holding up our end of the bargain. You guys gonna hold up yours?

Thanks for understanding.

Love,

Carey.
And Jaro.
But mostly Carey.
But equally Jaro.
But really, me.
Damn it, Carey!

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. November 19, 2009 2:56 pm

    Haha, that was a good read.

  2. November 19, 2009 10:44 pm

    CP expects a report on those books by the end of the week. Jaro’s marking them.

    • theactivestick permalink*
      November 20, 2009 9:40 am

      Of course, Jaro does all the work while Carey sits around.

  3. November 21, 2009 8:53 pm

    This post made my day!

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