Armchair Coaching: A One-Act Play
November 16th, 6:05 pm. Theactivestick is sitting at a desk in theactivestick’s office, furiously helping coworker One edit a drafted letter. Another coworker, named Two, walks into theactivestick’s office.
Two: So, how are you liking these Habs?
theactivestick: incoherent ramblings about how unfortunate all these injuries are, that basically the NE sucks but that’s good news because it means the Habs have a shot at winning the division which will pretty much be the only way the NE teams get into the playoffs because even the Islanders have a better shot and Brian Gionta must be named captain as soon as possible and the PP sucks.
Two: I don’t understand why they don’t play Metropolit at the point on the PP.
theactivestick: Because if they wanted to do that, they would have to first teach Fat84 to go to the net…
Two: Not gonna happen.
theactivestick: Him or Lapierre or somebody…
Two: Not gonna happen. They don’t understand English.
theactivestick: The coach speaks French.
Two: They don’t understand French, either. Anyway, Metro should play the point on the PP. He’s great along the boards, so he’ll be able to keep the puck in, and his shot isn’t that hard, but he can pass, and overall he’d give me less fits than MAB.
Two: Also they should play Scott Gomez on the left point, cause he can do that thing that Markov does where he sneaks up…
theactivestick: And all of a sudden he’s scored!
Two: Markov should be the PP coach!
theactivestick: He’s not on skates yet.
Two: It doesn’t matter. He should coach the PP!
theactivestick: Well, first he’d have to-
Two: Learn English?
theactivestick: that, and teach them that when the puck is coming towards you, you might want to stop it before it gets past the blueline…
Two: I’m serious about this, I’m going to send it to HabsInsideOut right now.
theactivestick: Thinks about Markov. Begins to weep uncontrollably. Considers killing self.
You heard these crazy ideas here first. And the more you think about this PP, the more they’re starting to make sense… Can’t be worse than it is now.