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Your 2019 NHL Playoff Bandwagon Guide

April 10, 2019

Good morning. Here is your annual TAS post. If your NHL team didn’t make the playoffs, this guide might help you pick a rooting interest.

*****ANNUAL REMINDER: Every year I start by saying that these are listed in order of the overall NHL standings after the regular season, and every year a bunch of people reply that their irrelevant team nobody cares about should be ranked higher. If you do that this year, I wish you a lifetime of nothing but lukewarm soggy food for every single meal, and the equivalent of that for your sex life.*****

1. Tampa Bay Lightning: Hear me out… this time it is.

2 Calgary Flames: One time the Calgary Flames said “sup” to you and you blushed and giggled and told all your friends about it.

3 Boston Bruins: Literally do not do this I don’t care what your reasons are this is not excusable do not do not do not do not even if you were cheering for the Death Star do not cheer for the Boston Bruins.

4 Washington Capitals: The Hangover II was not a good movie but we all watched it eventually.

5 New York Islanders: Underdog narratives are boring. Instead remember that this one time their fans booed a player a lot and it made a whole other city, in a whole other country, with bigger things to worry about, put on a humiliating display of sucking up to a star athlete working his dream job for a ~comfortable amount of money. Imagine what would happen if they win the cup this year.

6 San Jose Sharks: Erik Karlsson.

7 Toronto Maple Leafs: Chances are you have at least one friend on their analytics payroll, go Leafs!

8 Nashville Predators: you just wanna see PK do a Stanley Cup flex.

9 Pittsburgh Penguins: At this point, even Kris Letang’s hair and unaddressed rage issues aren’t enough to generate excitement about this choice. This team is a bandwagon for Penguins fans.

10 Winnipeg Jets: Tap into that vague sense that a lot of people would be annoyed by them winning, and couple it with your love of chaos.

11 Carolina Hurricanes: This is the Official Bandwagon Team Of 2019, As Voted By The Random Sampling Of People I Asked The Other Day. They are fun. If you aren’t all about this, remember that this kind of thing is why nobody likes you. Caps fans may excuse themselves during the first round and then they have to get on board as per the law.

12 St Louis Blues: I guess it’s kind of cool how they were dead last in January and now they’re in the playoffs? I am legally mandated to remind you, however: St. Louis.

13 Columbus Blue Jackets: I relate so hard to this team because I desperately wish I could just throw some money at my problems to make them go away. The problem is I have no money, and my problems have not gone away. Let’s all wish the Blue Jackets the very best but be smart enough to choose another bandwagon.

15 Dallas Stars: it’s kind of astounding how the Jamie Benn jokes refuse to get old. People are still making them and not being stabbed for doing it.

16 Vegas Golden Knights: do you like to party? Vegas in the playoffs is the bender for you. May they forever make the playoffs, and may they forever celebrate in an ever-escalating tempest of glorious ridiculousness.

17 Colorado Avalanche: They’re nice to look at. I got nothing else.

Your 2018 NHL Playoff Bandwagon Guide

April 11, 2018

Happy NHL playoffs! It’s such a lovely time of year, unless your NHL team has killed your soul and any remaining hope for happiness you’ve ever had. If this describes you, there’s always the option of a bandwagon playoff team, and if you’re having trouble selecting one, the below guide might prove useful.

*****Every year I start by saying that these are listed in order of the overall NHL standings after the regular season, and every year a bunch of people reply that their irrelevant team nobody cares about should be ranked higher. If you do that this year, I wish you a lifetime of nothing but lukewarm soggy food for every single meal, and the equivalent of that for your sex life.*****

  1. Nashville Predators: Because you love P.K. Subban, or because you are not yet sick of hearing about how Nashville is such an amazing hockey market, or because you miss being sick with envy of all the fans and media that got to hang out in Nashville while you stayed at home waiting for winter to end. (Any resemblance to actual events or persons in this reason is purely coincidental.)
  2. Winnipeg Jets: Because it would be hilarious if the Jets win the Stanley Cup before the Leafs do.
  3. Tampa Bay Lightning: This choice is pretty safe because it’s a really good team with lots and lots of really good players. It’s the one I’m most strongly leaning towards.
  4. Boston Bruins: I cannot under any circumstances endorse this bandwagon. Do not do it. They are a phenomenally good team that will probably win the thing this year, but I cannot support this decision. Do not do it. I said don’t.
  5. Vegas Golden Knights: Because it’s fun to think of all the kinds of tacky Vegas gimmicky stuff they could come up with for home games.
  6. Washington Capitals: Are you totally over lazy narratives about Ovechkin? Does it make you irrationally angry that people think they’re smart or funny because they made a joke about choking? Do gleeful Penguins fans give you hives? Then this is your team, my friend. It’s never their year, but there’s nothing wrong with hoping uninventive unoriginal jokes and the people who make them go far away, never to be heard from again. Also they’re not the team I would have tagged as The Goalie Controversy team, but please strap in, this should be fun.
  7. Toronto Maple Leafs: The Leafs winning the Stanley Cup would piss a lot of people off, probably more people than any other team winning, so I wholeheartedly support your choice to joint this bandwagon. Also, if you like what Brendan Shanahan has done with this team and would like them to win so your team’s management to follow his example, I have some unfortunate news for you: your team’s management is stupid and will not follow his example, but feel free to lie to yourself anyway.
  8. Minnesota Wild: I have been trying for many years to think of or even invent a reason to cheer for this team and I am still coming up short. Maybe next year.
  9. Anaheim Ducks: Do you cheer for the villain in every movie? You might be a sociopath. But also you might enjoy bandwagoning this team.
  10. Pittsburgh Penguins: this is an excessively obnoxious choice, but there’s no way around the fact that a three-peat in today’s NHL would be insanely cool. I can’t support it, but I can understand it.
  11. San Jose Sharks: With one notable exception, the San Jose Sharks make me happy about life. They’re like The Good Place of hockey teams. Do it.
  12. Los Angeles Kings: Are you someone other people would describe as “ugh”? Here’s your team, please enjoy.
  13. Philadelphia Flyers: Are you into really good, fun, exciting players and absolutely horrendous coaching? Do you like squandered potential and banging your head on your desk when lineup decisions are announced? Say hello to your bandwagon team, here’s a helmet and a box crate of calming tea.
  14. Columbus Blue Jackets: This team has so many awesome players but John Tortorella’s media soundbites and press conferences remain an evergreen reason.
  15. New Jersey Devils: you know how sandwiches are one of the small joys of life? This year the Devils are like that, but for hockey. Also Taylor Hall playing in the playoffs for the first time.
  16. (technically 17.) Colorado Avalanche: Listen, why not. Let’s watch the world burn.

Your 2017 NHL Playoff Bandwagon Guide

April 12, 2017

Happy playoffs everyone! Here are reasons to root for each team. Like every year, these are in the order of each team’s league finish, so please do not yell at me like you do every year about how X or Y team should be higher or lower. You did not read this and will yell at me anyway.

  1. Washington Capitals: I mean come on. Root for them because you are tired of choking narratives, of overused storylines, of words like ‘enigma,’ ‘leadership,’ and ‘character.’ Root for them because they are fun and adorable and exciting. Root for them because Alexander Ovechkin’s cup celebration would be so gratifying if you are a grown up and not from the state of Pennsylvania. 
  2. Pittsburgh Penguins: Kris Letang is out so is life even worth living oh wait there’s Sidney’s butt.
  3. Chicago Blackhawks: I mean, they’re always a safe bet, but at this point it seems like “because you are a Blackhawks fan” is the only reason. 
  4. Columbus Blue Jackets: if you’ve been sleeping on this team, listen, there’s this kid called Zach Werenski. He has been amazing. We talk a lot about Torts and how this team is a lot of smoke and mirrors but look past all of that and watch this guy. He is not smoke and mirrors. 
  5. Minnesota Wild: I still can’t think of a single reason to cheer for this team. Maybe next year. (No, not next year, either.)
  6. Anaheim Ducks: because it would be kind of funny to see a really-only- okay-but-maybe-used-to-be-good team can a great coach, hire a bad coach, and go on to win a cup. 
  7. Montreal Canadiens: because this is the only true choice if you want me to love you. But if you really need another reason why would you need another reason think of how beautiful it would be to watch Literal Best Goaltender In The World Carey Price work absolute magic on the ice and then get rewarded for it instead of being let down by a useless system and mind numbing defensive mistakes. Are you crying? I’m crying. 
  8. Edmonton Oilers: I get it. Their fans are annoying. Their media people are annoying. Their owner is a Grade A Jackwagon. But this team is so damn fun to watch. If you can tune those other things out, you’ll enjoy watching them play. 
  9. New York Rangers: because you are a famous person in New York with nothing better to do that night and the Rangers gave you tickets so they could put you on the Jumbotron. 
  10. St. Louis Blues: I can’t use the David Backes rescues puppies thing anymore, huh. Oh well. Guess you should pick another bandwagon team.
  11. San Jose Sharks: it’s a long shot but Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton winning would just be really great and if you don’t at least like the Sharks then I do not understand you.
  12. Ottawa Senators: because we do not have enough gifs of Guy Boucher Dramatically Yelling, and because you want the Anderson family to have some fun so they can take their minds off of life stuff.
  13. Toronto Maple Leafs: is your attachment style “emotionally unavailable attractive human beings who will immediately completely DESTROY YOUR HEART even though they are so shiny and pretty to look at”? Here’s your bandwagon team.
  14. Calgary Flames: is your attachment style “kind and reliable partner who will love you back but your relationship will be mostly uneventful and you won’t conquer the world together but sometimes you’ll go out for a nice dinner but nothing too fancy but you’re kind of okay with all that”? Then cheer for these guys. 
  15. Nashville Predators: P.K. Subban. P.K Subban. P.K. SUBBAN. P.K. SUBBAN WITH A CUP. 

Your 2016 NHL Playoff Bandwagon Guide

April 11, 2016

Is your favourite NHL team not going to be in the postseason? It’s probably because they’re a bunch of jerks. Or they had lots of injuries, or bad luck, or terrible players, or LALALALALALA THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU EVERYTHING IS FINE LALALALA.

In any case, if you still haven’t decided on a team to root for during the playoffs that you will immediately forget about as soon as their playoff run is over, here is a useful guide for you. The teams are listed in order of finish with at least one reason to root for each one. Well… for the most part. Special thanks to Julia, for doing some Very Important Research for this piece.

  1. Washington Capitals: How great would it be to watch Alex Ovechkin finally win a Stanley Cup? He’ll be handed the cup. He’ll do a little skate with it. He’ll hand it over to like Justin Williams or Braden Holtby or Nicklas Backstom or whoever. And then he’ll spend two hours skating around the arena with two middle fingers in the air.
  2. Dallas Stars: Are you that person who always wants to ride the most terrifying rollercoaster?  Have we got a bandwagon for you. Expect lots of goals. Don’t expect lots of goaltending.
  3. St. Louis Blues: David Backes rescues puppies. No, I don’t use this every year. Really. Okay please don’t check.
  4. Pittsburgh Penguins: oh, uh, no reason.
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  5. Chicago Blackhawks: So this is normally supposed to be a fun and lighthearted thing but I’m gonna get real for a second here. I cannot advocate this because I am extremely uncomfortable with the way the organization handled the accusations against Patrick Kane (or Garrett Ross, for that matter). And I loved this team. LOVED it. I just cannot come up with reasons to support it anymore. That said, I’m not here to judge anybody for cheering for this team, or the Kings, or the Flyers, or any sports team. Different people have different levels of comfort, so, you know, you do you.
  6. Anaheim Ducks: So that your and everyone else’s preseason prediction will have been right.
  7. Florida Panthers: Listen, nobody cares that you don’t get the Kevin Spacey thing. It’s fun. Also fun: Kindl puns. Also, Jaromir Jagr. Also, Roberto Luongo. Also, Aaron Ekblad. Also, Aleksander Barkov. Also, Jonathan Huberdeau. Also, Erik Gudbranson. Also, Willie Mitchell. If you hate fun, then don’t cheer for the Florida Panthers.
  8. Los Angeles Kings: Because they are going to win the Stanley Cup.
  9. New York Rangers: Are you that person that never rides the terrifying roller coaster, or goes to the amusement park, or leaves the house? Here’s your bandwagon team, enjoy.
  10. New York Islanders: We still love them, right? The novelty hasn’t worn off?
  11. San Jose Sharks: By the end of the playoffs Joe Thornton and Brent Burns will be able to pass the puck to each other with their facial hair.
  12. Tampa Bay Lightning: Really just cause this was supposed to be their year and lots of bad luck things have happened and you really still can’t bring yourself to dislike them so this is your pity bandwagon team for this year.
  13. Philadelphia Flyers: It’s going to be an emotional time in Philadelphia and you can’t help but want the team to put up a decent fight against the heavily-favoured Capitals. Sports will provide a (very temporary) distraction for as long as the run goes.
  14. Nashville Predators: Listen, Nashville is awesome. Awesome. You should go. That’s all I got.
  15. Detroit Red Wings: This one’s pretty obvious. Pavel Datsyuk is going home. We want to see as much of him in the NHL as possible before he does.
  16. Minnesota Wild: There is absolutely no reason you should cheer for this team.

Road trip diary: Pittsburgh 

October 22, 2015

  

  • Okay so I forgot to take pictures of everything but take my word for it (why would I lie to you) Pittsburgh is beautiful and awesome and super fun.
  • The photo credit for the above belongs to Ashley. That was a fun post-dinner adventure and we totally didn’t almost get murdered that night. 
  • Penguins game: the arena is really nice and they sell all kindsa booze in it which is really important and also I got a selfie stick and a nice compliment on my hair so now I’m in love with the place. Not enough people seem to be going though what’s wrong with them I’ll take their tickets if they’re not going to use them.
  • The game we went to had everything. Sid scored finally. On the power play, too. PHIL! scored also. It went to overtime and there was a failed coach’s challenge and even a scoreboard proposal. And of course the requisite bros yelling at the Penguins to shoot the puck through zero available shooting lanes and five Florida Panthers.
  • I was excessively spoiled in Pittsburgh. Thank you to Adam K for taking me to the game and getting me way drunker than anyone should be on a Tuesday night and for the talk about life and boys. Thank you to Carrie and Mike and Adam G and Luke and Angie for coming out to hang out. Also thanks to Mike for talking me out of cancelling the whole thing because I almost did because anxiety is an asshole. Also thanks to Angie for my new Pirates tshirt. Thanks to Sean for driving me everywhere and dealing with me all day. And thanks to Ashley for everything and being such a good friend and I’m so glad we finally got to hang out and have a girl’s night ish. Next one’s in Montreal.

Road trip diary: Detroit 

October 18, 2015

 Hi hello I still have this blog apparently. I figured I would make use of it right now because I am the kind of happy exhausted that you don’t get to be very often. You know the kind I mean. Anyway, here are some highlights from the Detroit part of my road trip.

  • Don’t ever let anyone tell you about Detroit. Seriously. This is the second time I’ve been here and the first time I was so scared of everything because of what I had heard that I wouldn’t let my friend do a bunch of the stuff she wanted to do. I was far braver this time and even did a few things by myself. Guess what? It was amazing. 
  • That said, don’t be stupid. Ask people you trust who know the city about the things you want to see and they’ll tell you where not to go.
  • I got lost here three times, because my GPS and I were having communication issues. That was legitimately terrifying. 
  • Joe Louis Arena is one of the greatest places to see a hockey game and I will hear no arguments. I love it so much and will miss it terribly. It’s just so very… hockey.
  • I have always been a little obsessed with Michigan Central Station and was finally able to get kiiiiinda close-ish to it. I cannot even begin to describe my feelings about it. I really hope they figure out what to do with it (without tearing it down).
  • Another cool thing: during the half marathon it was in sight for a few chunks of the course.
  • Do not ever run a half marathon a week after a car accident.
  • But didn’t I sign up for the full marathon, you say? I did. Then I went out four or five nights a week all summer so I didn’t feel like my training was on schedule. Downgraded to a half and it was still an amazing experience. I would definitely recommend it to any runners.
  • Running across the Ambassador Bridge as the sun was rising is definitely among the top highlights of my life.
  • Another highlight: seeing so many friends. People are so amazing and I am lucky to have such wonderful examples in my life. Thanks especially to Keith, Agnes, Megan, Jen and Zac and D, and Kyle.
  • Thanks to everyone who supported me and was happy for me about today’s race. I feel so loved right now. I love you all back. 

Your 2015 NHL Playoff bandwagon guide

April 15, 2015

True story: when I went to write this, I realized I had forgotten the password to this blog. It’s been a while since I’ve liked hockey or writing or writing about hockey (feel free to ask… in private) but I think I am back now. And this is a blog tradition, so here you go, in order of their finish in the league standings, reasons to bandwagon each team in the playoffs this spring.

  1. New York Rangers: Perhaps you did not know this, but a lot of people hate the New York Rangers. You did not know this? Have you ever communicated with another human? Anyway, if you can stomach it, you should cheer for this team because they’re probably going to go far. Safe horse to bet on.
  2. Montreal Canadiens: Because Carey Price needs a Conn Smythe to go with his Jennings and Hart and Vezina and cowboy handsomeness. And because the longer you get to watch P.K. Subban play, the better your quality of life is. It’s science.
  3. Anaheim Ducks: Ew. Um… go California hockey, most of the hockey writers haven’t seen the sun since August and they’re looking translucent.
  4. St. Louis Blues: Because David Backes rescues puppies (do not look at any of my previous bandwagon guides this is totally not the reason I use every single year).
  5. Tampa Bay Lightning: Because they are Tampa Bay Likable. Seriously is there anything to hate about this team?
  6. Nashville Predators: Reminder that Mike Ribeiro is being accused of sexual assault and the media keeps writing Mike Ribeiro Redemption storylines and glossing over that part.
  7. Chicago Blackhawks: So over anyone hating on Jonathan Toews and saying his face looks like a foot and he’s whiny and tantrumy or whatever. He’s Jonathan Toews and he is better than you, unless you’re, like, Sidney Crosby, so go away.
  8. Vancouver Canucks: Remember a few years ago when their fan base was the most obnoxiously annoying one in the universe? Not anymore! The team and fans are kind of fun now. Go not-really-underdog-underdog team!
  9. Washington Capitals: Much like Tampa Bay, they’re a really likable team. Also if you’ve had enough of bad writing about Ovechkin and how he isn’t magnificent… I am sorry to tell you that even if this team wins the Stanley Cup and he wins the Conn Smythe that horse shit is not going away.
  10. New York Islanders: Because come on how fun would it be to see them beat the Rangers?
  11. Minnesota Wild: Because their insecure fans might be marginally less annoying if they get some wins. On the other hand, they might get worse. How about just don’t bandwagon this team and find another one.
  12. Detroit Red Wings: It is in your best interest that your rival team not sign Mike Babcock this summer. You want Detroit to win lots of games and entice him to stay. This won’t happen, but just so you know in case the Leafs or Bruins get him, the rest of us have gotten together and signed a secret agreement to blame you for not bandwagoning the Red Wings hard enough.
  13. Ottawa Senators: If you like underdog stories or feel-good stories, have we got the team for you! But if you have been a sports fan for any length of time and you know that dreams are only there to be crushed… well, have we got the team for you!
  14. Winnipeg Jets: There is no such thing as “deserve” no matter how long a playoff drought or a “having an existing team” drought a city has been through. But these fans can be obnoxious jerks sometimes and we all know jerks are irresistible… for a little while until you get your self-esteem back. Wait are we still talking about hockey?
  15. Pittsburgh Penguins: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Okay but I found like five or six Penguins fans I do not want to keelhaul and I love them very much so… I’ll still say nothing at all.
  16. Calgary Flames: We thought it would be good for Slava Voynov to be around his teammates when LA violated the terms of his NHL suspension, the Kings GM said. K BYE, the Flames said. Go Flames.