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A summary of PR tactics employed by the NHL and the NHLPA so far

September 17, 2012
  1. The owners began by having Gary Bettman raise his middle finger at the world all summer.
  2. The players faced the media on Thursday. It was pretty evident some PR consultant or even Donald Fehr himself told them to try and dress like average people, to distinguish them from the Evil Rich Suits. Unfortunately,
    Henrik Zetterberg thinks the average person is Yelawolf,
    Zdeno Chara thinks the average person is that guy at the bar who aggressively asks if you think you’re too good for him when you don’t let him buy you a drink, and
    Henrik Lundqvist thinks the average person is Henrik Lundqvist.
  3. The owners had Gary Bettman raise his finger at everybody again.
  4. The players threw Sidney Crosby in front of the podium. After all, he is the NHLPA member with the most experience answering the question “when are you going to start playing again?”
  5. The owners decided they should maybe change their tactics and had Bill Daly raise his finger at everybody.
  6. The CBA expired.
  7. Fans woke up to see the NHL had raised its middle finger to them overnight.
  8. Throughout the day, the individual teams either raised their own middle fingers to their fans, or grabbed the NHL’s middle finger and held it up to their fans.
  9. The NHLPA released a video.

Boom.

Here is a rough translation of the video:

Here are some pictures of hockey moments – hockey moments you, the fan shared with us. Hockey moments  you, the fan, will now be deprived of.

Here’s Sidney Crosby. It’s great to see him, isn’t it? It always is. Unfortunately, you, the fan, will now be deprived of Sidney Crosby.

Oh hey here’s Jonathan Toews. Allow him to explain in his seriousface—no, his serious seriousface—about how we players had the same dreams you, the fan, did as kids. Jonathan Toews will not be allowed to continue fulfilling that dream of playing in the NHL that we all had, players and fans alike. We’re the same.

Oh look here’s David Backes in a flannel shirt and an earnest expression. You see, David Backes is an average dude, just like you, the fan. An average dude who rescues puppies in his spare time. Does Ed Snider strike you as the kind of guy who rescues puppies? No, no he doesn’t. David Backes? Rescues puppies.

David Backes teaching a puppy how to play hockey, apparently (gif courtesy of @Sarah_Connors)

Here are some more hockey moments as we try to remind you, the fan, how pure the game of hockey is and how greedy businessmen are corrupting it.

And now say hi to bashful James Reimer, a good Canadian boy from wherever the hell in Manitoba that he’s from, isn’t he just a sweetie? James Reimer really wants to be out there, playing for you, the fan. And you believe him, because James Reimer would never lie to you, the fan. Look at those eyes. Why won’t these evil greedy businessmen let James Reimer play for you?

Oh don’t forget Gabriel Landeskog, boy wonder. We’re fighting for our futures, he’s here to tell you. Does Jeremy Jacobs look like a guy who cares about Gabe Landeskog’s future? No, no he doesn’t.

Here are Jonathan Toews  and American Hero David Backes again, to tell you, the fan, how much we players sacrificed the last time around, like we had a choice, and took the high road and made concessions for the good of the game. And anyway, the evil greedy businessmen who don’t look like the kinds of guys who rescue puppies in their spare time wanted this system and now they’re saying it’s broken. I mean what liars. Look at our carefully selected faces, fans. Would these faces lie to you?

We just want to play for you. It’s those evil lying liar businessmen that refuse to let us, fans.

The End.

10. Earlier today Bill Daly raised his middle finger to everyone.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. September 17, 2012 11:30 pm

    Can’t get over #2. I will now always think of Chara as THAT GUY. Accurate.

  2. Amanda permalink
    September 18, 2012 8:29 am

    Couldn’t have given the recap of the NHLPA video myself! Damn that video for making me actually think Backes was a nice trustworthy guy!

  3. September 18, 2012 10:27 am

    A response from Commissioner Bettman:

    To whom it may concern:
    A video has been released by the NHLPA that purports to show that we, the owners, do not care about puppies.

    Yet – take a good look at it.

    Clearly, Backes is simply too lazy to do his own skating and is forcing this poor creature to do his bidding without the comfort of a doggie sweater or even little booties for his sad, frozen paws. This is why we want all of the money. Ever. It will allow us to buy things for puppies. We might not choose to do so, but we need the option. Players are too greedy and won’t allow us to devote sufficient funds to puppies. This is why they are bad.

    Please note – our fans are the greatest in the world. This is why I only salute them with my tallest finger. They deserve nothing less. Look – here are two of them.

    Thank you.
    Lots of love,
    Gary

    • September 18, 2012 10:58 am

      A response from Commissioner Bettman:

      It has been brought to my attention that the video itself makes no direct mention of puppy-saving. While one might take this as a Romney-esque instance of speaking without having actually read the source material, I put it to you that this is further evidence of the lack of transparency in the NHLPA tactics. Where there should be puppies, there are none.

      Again, I salute our tremendous fans. If I had more fingers to wave at you, I certainly would.

      Kisses,
      Gary.

      • kidkawartha permalink
        September 18, 2012 3:33 pm

        I love that 1967ers saves his best comments for Laura’s blog.

Trackbacks

  1. Spectors Hockey | NHL Lockout Blog Beat – September 18, 2012.
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