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2012 NHL Offseason Guide

June 13, 2012

No. Sorry.

Congratulations to the LA Kings for capping off the season with their first Stanley Cup win. As a hockey fan, you may be thinking, “well… now what? We at the Active Stick have got you covered with a bunch of information and tips on how to get through the offseason:

  • LA Kings fans will stop being adorable approximately three days and five hours from now, so shower them with your “I’m happy for you”s while you still mean that.
  • You can watch this thing called the NBA final, or whatever its official name is, even if you are completely new to basketball. All you need to know: It’s LeBron’s fault.
  • You have between now and June 20th to come up with an original, creative Nickleback joke. Make it count.
  • Don’t kid yourself, you are going to watch the NHL Awards.
  • The 2012 NHL Entry Draft is coming up, and the intertubes are abuzz with mock drafts. If you’re trying to be as realistic as possible, do not pick anyone that makes sense in any of the first five spots.
  • Also please tell me what the appeal of participating in an entire mock draft is.
  • Your team is not going to draft the guy you wanted in the first round. It’s the law.
  • Your team is not going to get Ryan Suter or Zach Parise. That is also the law.
  • Your survival guide for July 1st: Turn the TV off, put your internet away, and go outside.
  • It’s important to take time out from consoling Leafs Nation and whatever it is we Canadiens fans as a group call ourselves to hug a Calgary Flames fan. They need it just as much as we do and often get forgotten.
  • Hey, the Summer Olympics are coming up. Almost ten per cent of the Games will be fun to watch, too!
  • The threat of another NHL work stoppage is hanging over this offseason. It may be a good idea to make some sacrifices to the hockey gods in an effort to prevent that from happening. Suggested sacrifices: Glenn Healy, a Boston Bruin, anyone who tells you that the Kings proved that getting into the playoffs as the eighth seed means that “anything can happen.”
  • It’s a good idea to stay on top of the CBA negotiations as they happen and get reported on, but only if you have a good outlet for your rage.
  • Sanity tip: set a Google alert for “Marc Bergevin” and another for “Brian Burke.” Then make it a point to ignore everything the alerts turn up.
  • You might want to adopt this policy for “Roberto Luongo” as well, if you’re a particularly high-strung Leafs fan.
  • Speaking of Luongo, Canucks fans as a group haven’t been annoying since Game 1 of the first round. Take cover, they’re due.
  • Remember that the offseason can be really long and you might find yourself getting really desperate for a hockey fix. Please remember that under no circumstances should you get said fix from Bruins beat reporters who search their own names or Toronto hockey tabloid writers with alliterative names. Doing that is basically like smoking crack because you can’t find any cigarettes.

 

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Doogie2K permalink
    June 13, 2012 2:37 pm

    “Don’t kid yourself, you are going to watch the NHL Awards.”

    I can’t remember the last NHL Awards I actually watched any meaningful part of. Probably the mid-90s, before I knew better?

    “It’s important to take time out from consoling Leafs Nation and whatever it is we Canadiens fans as a group call ourselves to hug a Calgary Flames fan. They need it just as much as we do and often get forgotten.”

    Meanwhile, Oilers fans continue to be unloved. Is it because of all the #1 picks, or because we tend to shiv people at the slightest provocation?

    “Hey, the Summer Olympics are coming up. Almost ten per cent of the Games will be fun to watch, too!”

    Euro 2012 is happening *right now*. This matters to many people on my Twitter timeline, apparently.

  2. Paul permalink
    June 13, 2012 4:07 pm

    “Suggested sacrifices: Glenn Healy, a Boston Bruin, anyone who tells you that the Kings proved that getting into the playoffs as the eighth seed means that “anything can happen.””

    What if that final suggestion is a Kings fan five days and six hours from now?

    Also, was the exclusion of Mike Milbury from that list deliberate because the hockey Gods don’t want no scrubs when offered sacrifices?

Trackbacks

  1. NHL Blog Beat – June 13, 2012. | Spectors Hockey

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