What to do when your team plays like crap

So, your hockey team is playing like crap. Here are four things you can do about it (or at least distract people from it).

"The problem with sending monkeys into space is they push the wrong buttons" — Bryz—
Sarah Baicker (@sbaickerCSN) May 02, 2012

1. The Brian Burke

How to do this: Call a press conference and grumpily say a whole lot of nothing.
Why this works: You work for the Toronto Maple Leafs. You could talk about how much salt you used on your lunch today and it would instantly become headline news.
Bonus points if you: Get through the press conference without strangling a member of the Toronto media with your tie, which I strongly suspect is intentionally worn loose for this very purpose.

2. The Ilya Bryzgalov

How to do this: Smoke a lot of pot. Write down everything you say while under the influence. Later memorize it for your next media scrum.
Why this works: Debates about whether or not you need to see a mental health professional are not debates about whatever the hell Daniel Briere thought he was doing last night.
Bonus points if you: Tweet things like this.

3. The Pierre Gauthier

How to do this: Start by hiding out for a while so nobody can get in touch with you. Then, when nobody expects it and at the most ridiculously inconvenient time for the team, fire or trade somebody.
Why this works: It doesn’t. Don’t do it. Oh, wait. You did it.
Bonus points if you: Trade for an albatross contract with rosy cheeks.

4. The Alain Vignealt

How to do this: Play your backup instead of your franchise goaltender who really wasn’t the problem.
Why this works: LOL
Bonus points if you: Are in Marc Bergevin’s rolodex.