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A few survival tips for Habs fans, from the experts

December 9, 2011

Howdy, fellow Canadiens fans. Are the Habs killing your will to live? You’re not alone. The entire fanbase is so depressed we can’t even muster up the energy to flip Jacques Martin’s car or set his notebook on fire. See that? I can’t even come up with an original joke. So how do we cope with what appears to be a hopeless case of mediocrity that doesn’t show any signs of improving in the near future?

As you know, we here at The Active Stick are all about handy guides for hockey fans. Unfortunately, “we here” really just means “me” and since I’m a Canadiens fan, my brain comes with a built-in editor that erases the bad memories from the 90′s and early 2000′s so nothing’s left but the glory years and some smoke and mirrors from the last five years.

Seeing as I’m ill-equipped to provide my fellow Habs fans with guidance on this particular issue, I decided to outsource and ask the experts – also known as fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs. This year, they’re pretty busy watching stuff known as “goals” and “wins” while we’re stuck watching… not that, but a few of them were gracious enough to stop laughing for a couple of seconds and provide me with survival tips they learned from their years of misery. Most advocated heavy drinking. Here’s a selection of some other advice:

  • PPP(mlse): Look for the humour, deify the past (you guys have that down pat), and hate your team with a passion.
  • So_Truculent: Be wittier, faster than every other hockey fan digging on your team. It’ll be tough to beat Leafs fans. #pros
  • 1967ers: At least we’re not Ottawa.
  • Down Goes Brown: The first two decades are rough, but by the start of the third you should start to go numb.
  • Chris: Guy who blows ends up getting a couple game point streak going? Go crazy, he’s the next Crosby.
  • Bitter Leaf Fan:  If you have realistic expectations, it’s hard to be disappointed. It’s also fun rooting for coaches & execs to get canned.
  • Chris: Because of the bonus point system, “6 points back” always seems like you’re only a couple of wins out of the playoffs. Pretend that’s true, it helps. In fact, you’ll find that counting is a bad idea in general, because whatever you’re counting, it’s not good.
  • 11Leafs: Drink heavily… this was followed with some other tips but I didn’t get past that first part.
  • 1967ers: It’s nice not to be conflicted on beautiful Saturday nights in May.
  • Bitter Leaf Fan: Thanks to the loser point, it’s unlikely the Habs will go an entire decade under .500 like the Leafs of the 80s.
    PPP (in response): New divisional playoffs make six years out of the playoffs more likely though.
  • Chris: You probably already have a whipping boy on the team. Use this opportunity to expand your portfolio on that front.
  • doogie2k: As an Oilers fan first and Habs fan second, my advice: Learn the consensus top five draftees by heart.
  • 67sound: Is your terrible team also owned by a vicious xenophobic racist? Are they covering up systemic child rape? Has your hated rival won 7 Cups since your last? No? Then count your blessings. #Leafsfanfrom80s
  • Bitter Leaf Fan: Loathing JFJ got me me through four of five years of mediocrity.
  • Down Goes Brown: Hope your team can win a few playoff rounds against some team dumb enough to hire Jacques Martin wait I’m not helping.

The only tiny bit of hope came from a Vancouver Canucks fan, of all places. NotAFullColon: Hey, the last time an Original 6 Canadian team gave up a 3 goal lead to Van they won a huge trade the next morning.

Hear that? We’re getting… um… yeah the Leafs took it all.

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