Contract demands around the league

What do you mean I'm not hot?

A number of fairly high-profile Restricted Free Agents have yet to be signed to NHL contracts for this coming season. Now, we all know that they will end up re-signing with their respective teams, but still, the hold-ups are starting to make some fans nervous. So why is it taking so long to sign these guys? I did some digging and found out that some of them are making some contract demands that their teams cannot or will not meet. In fact, some of the General Managers are starting to lose their patience. You would, too, if you were in their place:

 

Luke Schenn of the Toronto Maple Leafs wants:

 

• For people to stop picking on Phil Kessel.
• For 80 per cent of the Toronto sports media to be traded to Winnipeg.
• A library or something he can go to in his downtime during the season.
• An end to the nicknames that compare him to Jesus Christ, because it’s blasphemous because everyone knows those were Carey Price’s nicknames first.
• Also to be hotter than Carey Price (I am told Brian Burke and Dave Nonis laughed heartily at this).

 

Zach Parise of the New Jersey Devils wants:

 

• To not be a New Jersey Devil anymore, or
• for Ilya Kovalchuk to not be a New Jersey Devil anymore.

 

Drew Doughty of the Los Angeles Kings wants:

 

• A lifetime supply of hair products.
• And too much money.

 

Zach Bogosian of the Winnipeg Jets wants:

 

• For the team to get their shit together and tell us what jerseys they’re going to wear already (request submitted on behalf of the fans).

 

Brad Marchand of the Boston Bruins wants:

 

• Gold teeth.
• Turtle from Entourage.
• A Cadillac Escalade made entirely out of gold.
• A boat. Made of gold.
• A &^*%$ing shirt.