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If NHL teams were boyfriends…

May 3, 2010

Let’s take a quick break from the Stanley Cup playoffs and talk about matters of the heart, because I know some of my readers come to The Active Stick for dating advice. I’m sure that as hockey fans or sports fans in general, you’ve often been accused of loving your favourite team more than your significant other, even though that’s not true. Sometimes when I talk about hockey my friends will roll their eyes and say, “it’s like the Habs are her boyfriend.” Which got me thinking… what if NHL teams were boyfriends?

Probably wouldn’t be a great idea to date some of them… but hey, see for yourself.

Vancouver Canucks: He drives an Escalade, he pronounces it ‘supposably,’ he’s addicted to his Crackberry, and his little Bluetooth headset thingy never comes off… even when he sleeps. Dump. Him.

Pittsburgh Penguins: Until he got a flashy car to cart you around in, you didn’t know he existed and now you can’t shut up about him. Your friends, your family and the cactus on your office desk are sick of hearing about him. For serious.

Ottawa Senators: Let’s be honest here. You’re only dating this guy because the guy you were with before was constantly letting you down. It’s time to admit to yourself there’s not much that’s exciting about him. Everything in his wardrobe is beige, for example.

New Jersey Devils: You think he’s the greatest thing, ever, and you have no idea why none of your circle ever wants to hang out with him.

San Jose Sharks: Beachfront property, an M3 convertible, and promises, promises, promises.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Beachfront property, an M3 convertible, and no promises.

Washington Capitals: Gorgeous loft in the artsiest part of town, an M3 convertible, and all talk.

Phoenix Coyotes: You were losing interest until he ran into some trouble. You’ve decided to stick by him through the drama, but newsflash: he’s going to leave you when the drama’s all over.

New York Rangers: A ridiculously handsome investment banker with a ton of money and a lot of social clout. He knows all the best restaurants and all the fine wines, and he’s not going to propose.

Boston Bruins: Can you really bring a guy whose favourite thing to do is crush a beer can on his forehead home to your parents?

Chicago Blackhawks: All your friends have a crush on him, and why wouldn’t they? He’s cute, smart, hardworking, and has a great sense of humour. His taste in music might be a dealbreaker, though.

Carolina Hurricanes: This guy’s awesome, if you’re into sitting on the front porch and drinking crappy beer out of a can every night for the rest of your life.

Philadelphia Flyers: Despite the warnings from your friends that this guy is bad, bad news, you just can’t resist him. Trust me ladies, he’s bad, bad news. I can’t resist him, either.

Montreal Canadiens: you started dating this guy because he looks vaguely like your first love, who broke up with you years ago. You know it, and he knows it. No matter how hard he tries he can’t make you happy, because he just can’t magically turn into your ex.

Toronto Maple Leafs:  Classic case of an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Word to the wise, ladies, get out of this one, quick. If he’s started throwing the word ‘truculent’ around lately, start running now, and change your name while you’re at it. He might end up getting physically abusive, too, and he always has golf clubs handy.

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. May 3, 2010 8:54 am

    I kinda wanna date the Rangers guy. I’m in a non-commitment place. WIN WIN WIN for everyone.

  2. Number31 permalink
    May 3, 2010 9:55 am

    Oh my god, so true.

  3. Roberto permalink
    May 3, 2010 10:28 am

    My wife always said I was allowed having a boyfriend, but so many choices…. how to choose?

  4. May 3, 2010 12:09 pm

    Colorado Avalanche:
    He(she) moves to the other side of the continent because he was going broke at home. You claim to understand. You call all the time. You’re so proud of them when they accomplish everything that you knew they could. And then they do it again.

    You only can see each other when they’re in town and while it’s awesome, you know it’s not the same. But then they stop calling and you find an excuse not to see them when they’re in your city. Eventually you break up but promise to stay friends. And you mean it.

    • theactivestick permalink*
      May 3, 2010 12:13 pm

      Colorado’s another keeper :) I had only good things to say so I didn’t say them at all.

  5. therangersfan permalink
    May 3, 2010 2:55 pm

    More cash, food, and booze for me, I suppose.

    Who’s missing from the list?

    • theactivestick permalink*
      May 3, 2010 2:58 pm

      Tons of teams I’m ambivalent about but feel free to add your own in the comments.

      • therangersfan permalink
        May 3, 2010 5:44 pm

        Also, I have a feeling that whoever comes here for love advice is going to end up with some dude with a Crosbeard.

  6. Roberto permalink
    May 4, 2010 9:11 am

    Atlanta Thrashers: He’s a real hermit keeps to himself. No one really wants to hang out with him. Every once in a while he manages to meet a cool friend, but they eventually leave him to hang out with someone cooler. No one is ever really excited to see him. You’ll always have to pick him up because he takes the bus.

  7. May 4, 2010 10:41 am

    NY Islanders: Means well, kind of down on his luck right now, but with a promise that things will get better soon- if he manages to get a new place. Every date’s a mystery- you don’t know what to expect. When things are good, they’re very good, but when things start getting worse… it’s a free fall until he manages to pick himself back up and get something done.

  8. January 10, 2011 7:03 pm

    haha that is an amazing idea… love the Carolina Hurricanes boyfriend… we did a road trip down there for Leafs vs Canes in 2002… we saw a lot of people that matched that description.

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  2. If NHL teams were boyfriends… « The Active Stick | Carolina Hurricanes NHL Announcer
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  4. Your guide to dating a hockey fan « The Active Stick

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